I would have been due this week

If things worked out last August, I would have been due May 5, May 6 or May 7. Most likely.
And so it seemed like a fitting day to sort through the mountain of papers, donor profiles, protocols, drug company receipts and legal documents that I left stacked up when my cycle was canceled last August.
I'm still not sure abandoning the donor egg process was the right move. But I do know that continuing on would have been the wrong move -- unless it resulted in a baby. The risks were too great. The cost was so much. And the certainty was nonexistent.
I couldn't take another disappointment at that time.
Since last August, I have taken on a new job. Op.inion pa.ge edi.tor.
Since last August, ne.wspape.rs have become even less stable workplaces.
Since last August, I came within about 24 hours of being unemployed. Instead of letting me leave, my employer granted my wish to go part-time.
Since last August, I took a chunk of the money returned from the failed donor cycle and traded by family-style SUV for a sporty black convertible with an iPod dock.
Lots of changes. But in reality, nothing has changed.
When my husband asks me if I'm happy, I have the same reply, "I'm still disappointed about the whole baby thing."
And I assume that could be my reply well into the future.
Not that I want to go through life with regrets or disappointments or focusing on failures. That's not my style.
But it's impossible to just wake up and decide to feel differently. There are those who will tell you it's easy. There are those who tell you time heals all wounds. They're either liars or fools. I'm not sure which. Maybe both.
What is within our power -- or my power, at least -- is to proceed with the things that do lead to happiness, keep the important things at the top of the priority list, ignore the stuff that doesn't matter.
And, when the sun is shining, put the top down and go for a ride.

Age is everything

In 1999, we weren't even trying.
Today, we have a bright, loving and funny 8-year-old daughter.

Since then, things just haven't worked out. For a long time, I was sure it was our opposite schedules. Or our infrequent, though scheduled, sex life.

Then I found out it might have been that polyp creating a hostile environment in my uterus. Removing it was surgery No. 1. After that was gone, it still looked like it would just be the three of us.

I am very grateful for what I have. My daughter is a joy. She's bright and funny and loving. But I'd love to give her a sibling -- even if there is almost a decade difference in age. When we're gone, I want her to have immediate family.

When I turned 40, my doctor suggested I see an infertility specialist because I was coming to what she called, "the end of the road."

Still, I never thought of myself as struggling with infertility. I just thought they'd do an insemination and everything would be fine.

That was 18 months ago. Today, I'm almost 42.

And it's still just the three of us.

Now we're enlisting the help of someone we know only as No. 948, a 24-year-old college student with similar ancestry and proven fertility. She has a great smile, musical ability, speaks another language and would like to someday join the Peace Corps.

And for just $13,000, we're getting her gametes.