Egged on: Navigating the world of secondary infertility and egg donation

Join us on this journey into our hearts, a petri dish and (hopefully) my uterus.

Monday, October 6, 2008

I wanted a baby. I got a promotion.

At the beginning of August, I was picturing my life the first week of October. I optimistically imagined that I'd be walking around work with this secret pregnancy, throwing up every morning like I did with my daughter, somewhat oblivious to the state of my industry because I'd be much more focused on the incredible new life happening within me.

By mid-August, the picture changed. After our donor fell through, I asked to go part-time to put more focus on the child we already have. She has always grown up having to be stuffed into the time around our work schedules. That's not that unusual, of course. But with a husband who works nights and weekends, and my job that requires almost 24-hour attention, it's frustrating for both of us.

I imagined this life where I'd focus on work while I was at work and on her while I was home. Maybe I'd actually be able to get the laundry into the dresser drawers. Maybe I'd be able to help her with homework. Maybe I'd be able to fix dinner at night.

Well, that plan didn't work either.

At any other time of my career, I'm sure I'd be overwhelmed with joy over what transpired for me professionally. My request to go part-time turned into an offer to be the Edi.torial Pa.ge Ed.itor.

That's a big deal.

Many ne.wspap.ers use edi.torial pag.e jobs as a way to reward the best employees. It was a nice promotion with a raise. A huge honor. It means they trust me, they value my opin.ion. It's a big deal.

But there's still so much frustration for me. No matter how hard I try to change my life -- to take control of things that I think are somewhat within my control -- I just can't get a grasp.

I go to what seems like extreme lengths to have a baby and can't even get to retrieval stage.
I try to pull back on work and instead get more challenging, time-consuming assignments.

My new boss is a fantastic guy. He knows that this job change started with a request to go part-time because I'm not going to put my daughter in after-school care. But he's also got very high standards. He expects a lot of people. He's smart. He will challenge me. And this is a job that I've never done before. It's not going to be easy -- especially at first.

I have always told my reporters that the easy stories are never the good stories. Great jou.rnali.sm should be hard.

I guess that could also mean that a worthwhile life is hard -- full of hard choices, challenging days, difficult decisions.

But I was really hoping for things to just slow down a bit. I could use a little downtime.

It's been a terrible, terrible year.

7 comments:

cadiz12 said...

congrats, on the new job!

I believe it was you who told me back when I was going through a terrible, horrible, no-good, VERY bad breakup (which seemed like a life-ender) that the solution to heartbreak was change; and that I should move out of my parents' house to the city, throw myself into my new job and things would get better.

That advice really helped (thought it was years before I was past the sadness). I don't know if the new job will help you if it's so time-consuming, but for me a new gig was a welcome distraction from thinking sad thoughts.

Summer said...

I'm sorry this year has been so rough for you. I hope there are better days in store for you soon.

Anne said...

Cadiz .. thanks! And thanks for sending my advice back my way. I'm sure I wouldn't have found that within myself. But you're right about drastic change at a time of personal crisis. Even if it doesn't take away the pain, it certainly makes it less obvious.

Ann said...

Anne,

Sometime you just have to go with what life throws at you. I'm sorry you are feeling a bit tossed around by life but congratulations on the new job.

Melbagirl said...

Thanks for your blog. I really admire your positivity. I look forward to reading your future posts. I hope your year ends in a more positive way with happier thoughts. My heart goes out to you, it really does.

Melbagirl said...

Thanks for your blog. I really admire your positivity. I look forward to reading your future posts. I hope your year ends in a more positive way with happier thoughts. My heart goes out to you, it really does.

Melbagirl said...

Thanks for your blog. I really admire your positivity. I look forward to reading your future posts. I hope your year ends in a more positive way with happier thoughts. My heart goes out to you, it really does.